I’m coming to you today from the shipyard in Popham, ME, where dry-dock professionals are currently refitting the fishing trawler, the SS Merkin, to be airlifted for use by the Ukrainian Navy should the hostilities become pelagically noir – or, whatever, move into the Black Sea. Somehow.
Must there be nations? Well, whether or not there must be, there are. Must a nation have a leader? Well, most do. Must the leader be wealthy? Well, most are.
If there must be nations, and if a nation must have a leader, and if a leader must be wealthy, maybe they shouldn’t be the wealthiest person in the nation. And maybe the wealthiest person in the nation, leader or not, shouldn’t be wealthier than the nation itself or be able to leverage their wealth to determine national policies. Just as a rule of thumb.
There are a lot of things wrong with the way wealth is distributed, especially now, and there are a lot of things wrong currently with the leadership of nations. It’s hard to imagine that the two problems aren’t somehow related.
Economic wealth and political power both give the bearer delusions of strength beyond their actual physical abilities. They become so used to getting what they want, it’s only natural that many of them tend to esteem themselves superhuman.
The opposite is also true, however. The über-privileged are also prone to indulge delusions of fragility. King Charles VI of France famously believed he was made of glass and took elaborate precautions to avoid accidentally shattering. Napoleon is said to have been afraid of cats, and this fear is also said (by me) to have stemmed from the worry that he might step on their tails and be visited by them in the night where they would steal his breath in revenge. Emperor Augustus Caesar was under the delusion that he contained a highly conductive fluid that would attract a fatal lightning strike. Genghis Khan was irrationally fearful of being eaten by dogs, even small fluffy ones. The celebrated novelist, Balzac, had a fear of burning up in the sunlight, as did the Count of Dracula.
Two moderately old sayings should be kept in mind, though:
1. The rich are different.
2. It’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
The wealthy and powerful are physiologically different from the rest of us losers, based on a peer reviewed study by Professor Joseph Rogan, reviewed by his peers Chuck Norris and Randy Quaid.
Everyone thought tycoon Howard Hughes was paranoid. He saved his fingernail clippings so no one would clone him. Or because he was afraid of being apprehended through DNA identification as a litterbug. He was afraid to cut his hair or take a shower. Finally, while out wandering in the desert failing to find a cave to be a hermit in, he was befriended by a Mormon named Melvin – Melvin the Mormon he was called – who convinced him to make himself presentable. The first step was to take a bath and get all that encrusted dirt cleaned off. However, no sooner had Howard settled comfortably into the warm tub than he began to experience disintegration. The dirt came away from his skin, of course, but it seemed the dirt was the only thing holding him together. Within less than a minute, wealthy industrialist Howard Hughes had completely dissolved, leaving only a fragrance like an armpit-scented bath bomb. “Another Mormon-related death,” as the proverb has it.
Yes, the rich and powerful dissolve in water. When’s the last time you saw Victor Orbàn swimming? Laurent Gbagbo, once and perhaps future president of the Republic of Côte d’Ivoire, is another notable case. The man who currently calls himself Laurent Gbagbo is an imposter, a double, possibly a hastily prepared clone, put forward by the African People’s Party. The real Gbagbo was dissolved sometime four years ago.
Laurent Gbagbo was of the Bété people. Noted racist and beloved anti-Semitic children’s author, Roald Dahl, based the Oompa-Loompas on them, even, possibly, on Gbagbo himself. In original editions of the book, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, unlike in the movie, the Oompa-Loompas are portrayed by illustrator Joseph Schindelman as diminutive black Africans. They wear animal-skin mini-togas even in the chocolate factory, where they live and work like happy little slaves.
Originally, Wonka discovered them in the “deepest, darkest part of the African jungle where no white man had ever been before.” Loompaland was impoverished and plagued by monsters such as the Hornsnozzler and the Vermicious Knid, whose favorite food was the Oompa-Loompa. Wonka offered them a life of blissful servitude in his factory. In exchange they could have all the cocoa beans they wanted since, above all food, that was what they adored. With stylish ambiguity, it’s even a little bit unclear whether the Oompa-Loompas weren’t composed partially or entirely of chocolate, in some magical childhood way.
In 2018, Laurent Gbagbo was acquitted of crimes against humanity by the International Criminal Court. The knowledge that he was actually guilty, however, weighed on his conscience. One night in Brussels, ostensibly awaiting an okay from Côte d’Ivoire’s current president to return to his home country, Gbagbo drew a hot bath, something unusual for him. Like most of the world’s elite, he could afford to be dry-cleaned.
One of his bodyguards found him there, having been brewed into an entire tubful of Swiss Miss. Not realizing the identity of the hot cocoa, however, Gbagbo’s entire security entourage enthusiastically drank mug after mug of the former president with mini-marshmallows. It was only when they had finished enjoying their beverage that they noticed articles of his clothing in a pile on the floor where he’d left them beside his suicide note and realized in horror what they’d done.
And if it you judge it racist to posit that the leader of an African nation was made of chocolate, remember you are thereby also accusing Joe Rogan and Roald Dahl, two noted scholars in the field of ethnic characteristics.
Emperor Ludwig, Louis XVI, Czars Mikhail, Alexis, three Dmitris, and most likely a majority of the others dissolved in their bathing vessels like sugar in tea, as did Queen Elizabeth II recently – don’t tell me you believe what the mainstream media tells you – as well as numerous other nobles and royals with the ranks of lord, baron, emperor, king, queen, daimyo, poobah, raja, maharaja, sultan, senator, wicked witch, and a now-extinct marsupial called a Wongwazzle.
Yes, that’s their dirty secret: the rich are water-soluble.
And that’s how we can fight them. We can fight both the ruling class and their machines the same way: throw water on them. Why else would they be trying to buy up all the water? Yes, of course to sell it back to us at a profit. That’s how it will start. But they’ll eventually price it so high we won’t be able to afford it. It's just another way they calculate to thwart our revolution. Their greatest fear, among their long litany of rational and irrational fears, is that we’ll come to our senses and dethrone them. Into the drink.
That’s the SuperTruth® as I understand it, and this has been the Moment of Truth. Good day!