This is Hell! is on vaction. We will broadcast Limbo episodes with staff picked interviews from the archive, and return to regular Hell! on August 16.
Manufacturing Dissent Since 1996
New interviews throughout the week

BULLSHIT

Posted by Alexander Jerri

SuperTruth® for the UltraBeliever

 

Are there any real mysteries left? Clearly, we’re not the doe-eyed, innocent public we once were, back when Howdy Doody and Alka Seltzer ruled the popular infotainmosphere. It’s not enough for things to be true anymore. Now they must pass a more rigorous test: the test of believability in the state-of-the-art laboratory of public opinion. And yet somehow there still remain unsolved phenomena to boggle the jaded mind, shake us out of our trances, and remind us never to trust our senses, our reason, our memory, or the evidence. We live in a truly miraculous time, when anything can be true.

 

But only the best things can be SuperTrue®.

 

The Barbed Wire of Eden

 

One sunny Sunday morning, archaeologist, Trudy Braznorkle, working overtime on a dig in the mountains of Afghanistan, found her garden trowel’s tip wedged, immovably, between a rock and hard thing embedded in the Afghan clay. The trowel stuck out of the earth at a thirty-three-and-a-third-degree angle. She put all the weight she could bring to bear upon it by standing on the handle with one foot. The trowel handle bent all the way to the ground before she released it with a “sproy-yoy-yoy-yoing” sound. She tried again. “Sproy-yoy-yoy-yoing!” She did it a few more times because she enjoyed hearing the sound.

 

Then the handle of the trowel broke off. She tried next with a pry bar and eventually removed the stubborn artifact from the clay. What she saw turned out to be confirmation of a very old, obscure legend.

 

A book of early apocrypha, The Shawarmas of Enochle, tells of a garden, recognizable as the selfsame Garden of Eden from the Old Testament book of Genesis. The description is reported by an ancestor of Noah (builder of the famous ark), Enochle, who recounts being told by Adam and Eve about the garden soon after they faced eviction from it.

 

It’s long been held by biblical scholars that Eden was the first gated community. Barbaric Australopithecans and other inferior hominids were denied entry. It may be that these brutes were early failed experiments by God himself. Even hobbits, cute and whimsical though they were, could not pass through Eden’s gate, nor gain ingress by digging a tunnel beneath the hedgerow. Boobytraps bristling with poison-dipped barbs would spring into the face of anyone foolish enough to try to breach the barrier surrounding the idyllic property. “Sproy-yoy-yoy-yoing!” That was the sound of burning, paralyzing toxin being punched through the dermis of the foolhardy. “Sproy-yoy-yoy-yoing!” It was the sound of defeat. “Sproy-yoy-yoy-yoing!” That sound was sure to be followed by seizures, lesions, and cardiac infarctions.

 

How fitting, then, that this segment of wire, ornamented in the middle with a twisted double-barb of pre-bronze-age metal, extruded somehow before extrusion could have possibly developed – at least on this planet – greeted Trudy Braznorkle with the exact sound Eden’s hedgerow booby-traps had made in their day, so many millennia ago. At least five, many scientists believe.

 

Many biblical scholars, scientists, fascists, racists, and fans of eugenics agree that God would have insisted on protecting his crowning creation, the initial pure race of humans, preventing their potential pollution with the dirty blood of pre-sapient but well-hung interlopers. Further, they aver that God’s method of securing Eden’s purity would have been to festoon the perimeter with pointy hardware.

 

Ample evidence exists to support this hypothesis. The famous “Euphrates knot” housed in the British Museum is now thought to be another sprig of defense from around Eden’s garden, with its precious fruit trees, magical birds, and cuddly mammals made specifically for the enjoyment of that venerable couple who at the beginning of time inaugurated today’s white Christian pedigree.

 

We all know that the tragic disobedience of what’s-her-face, who was taken in by that snake-oil-salesman-like serpent and tricked into eating from the tree of critical race theory, constituted abrogation of the lease, and God was well within his rights and most likely had no choice but to put all their belongings out on the curb.

 

The item found at that dig that sunny Sunday in Afghanistan was a monumental discovery. Sadly, though, Braznorkle and her grad-school assistants, soon afterwards, were stricken with rickets. At that time, early in the 20th Century, a diagnosis of ricket-strickening was a death sentence. Rickets was known to wipe out entire campuses of scholars, particularly those scholars foolish and flakey enough to pursue studies in the humanities.

 

Was it a curse? The curse of Enochle? Were these academic perverts victims of their own disrespectful trespasses upon the territory to which only God holds the deed? We may never know the answer with any acute certainty, and perhaps we are not meant to. Some things are meant to remain mysteries. Some things are meant to remain SuperTrue®.

 

To this day, the only cure for rickets known to us modern humans is Dr. Elon Musk’s Musky Muskegon Muskellunge Liniment, available over the internet exclusively on the Abra Kadabra marketplace app. Please specify industrial or recreational strength.

 

Next week: another SuperTruth®. Maybe, “The Day It Rained Bananas” or “The Fountain of Perimenopause” or maybe “The Devil’s Cucumber.” Or maybe even, “Ancient Alien Sluts.” Tune in to find out.

 

 

Until then, this has been the Moment of Truth. Good day!