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Moment of Truth: The Riskiest Comedy

Welcome to the Moment of Truth: the thirst that is the drink.

I believe Bill Cosby's philosophy was, always be nice. Be pleasant, be calm, be even- tempered, be reasonable. Be nice, even when drugging your victims.

Revenge is a dish best served without being examined too closely. Revenge and punish, it never pays for the avenger or punisher to look too hard in the mirror.

Rape is not a joke. Rape is not funny. Rape jokes aren't funny. We know this. We know this. It's not funny. Not even close to funny. Not even when a comedian goes to prison for it. And rape is definitely not a job. At least in the society we claim to be, whether in the public or private sphere, rape is not a duty in anyone's official job description. But, we're all adults here. We know that in clandestine circumstances, off-the-books as it were, as civilized as we pretend we to be, the very opposite is true. Raping is in some men's tacit job description.

So who's job is it gonna be to rape Bill Cosby in prison? Who's gonna do that? Who's gonna take on that burden? Somebody's gotta do it. I know, I know, rape's not a job, it's a spontaneous or premeditated act of violence to assert power and control, generally by someone sociopathically resentful who lacks the emotional resources to repair their deformed self-esteem.

But Bill Cosby's going to prison. And you know if somebody's man is going to prison while Cosby is in there, she's gonna be like: You better rape Cosby while you're in there. If you haven't raped Cosby, don't come back out. You have one job while you're in prison: rape Cosby. You have one job. You don't have to buy me birthday presents or Valentine flowers for the rest of your life, but you just better rape Cosby.

This is the social contract: Cosby drugged and raped dozens of women. Dozens. I suppose I should say, "allegedly," since the majority of accusers have not had their cases heard in court. But dozens. No exaggeration. So now, he goes to prison, where people get raped a lot. He gets to see what it feels like. But somebody's gotta do it. The Jello puddin pop. Someone's gotta pop his puddin.

Men, especially white men, have been a bane to the other inhabitants of the Earth for centuries. Men have a lot to atone for. It's doubtful they'll ever make up for the cruelty and death they've doled out. It may be that only through the commission of a heinous taboo can the reputations of men be cleansed. Not the souls, just the reputations. It's too late for the soul. Like Beowulf, who had to kill, thereby sacrificing his soul to rid the land of evil, men may have only this one chance at redemption: rape Cosby.

What opportunity would you not take to at least attempt to redress the damage your kind have done to the world? You oppressors? In the past you have committed such crimes against women. The least you can do, the very least, is rape Cosby. Just rape him. Rape him in the butt or the face, with your dick. Let's say the butt, for rhetorical convenience.

Just think of Cosby's ass as a piñata. And your dick is like a dick hitting a piñata. And you keep hitting that piñata till it breaks and all the Jolly Ranchers fall out.

It won't repair what he's done. There's no doing that. But what he did was so vile and ugly, the only response is either forgiveness, which is only the prerogative of the many women whose trust and bodies he abused – no one else gets to make that call. Doing nothing is tantamount to forgiveness. And who are you to forgive? Our only choice, in society as it is, as limited as our imaginations are, is to do something ugly and vile to him in revenge.

But on the bright side, it's redemptive revenge, that's the beauty of it. It's a healing revenge. The Jews call it tikkun: the repairing of the damaged fabric of the universe. That's what raping Bill Cosby in the ass with your dick is. Tikkun. It's a sacred act, raping Bill Cosby in the ass.

And I'm not that guy. I'm just not a prison rapist. No, take the chalice away from me, Lord, I shall not drink. And anyway, I don't think I could maintain an erection for very long doing that, smackin that Cosby piñata. For that you need a professional, career prison rapist. Someone just really strong and mean, who rapes anyone vulnerable he sees. A psychotic bully. Rape is just the most extreme form of bullying, after all.

Yeah, you need a career prison rapist with a Gadsden flag tattooed on his dick. Don't tread on me. To go rape Cosby. He's our golem. Even if he's doing it for a horrible reason. It's like, if someone wanted to kill Hitler just to get his jollies skull- schtupping him, I say, be my guest. I ain't gonna be mad atcha.

Does this all not seem to articulate a spiritual logic? Raping Cosby's ass? Raping the rapist as punishment. It's not rehabilitation, it's punishment. Doesn't it seem like it was meant to be? Here's a guy who, we all know what he did, and now he goes to prison for it. And he's a comedian! Not just any comedian, but a wholesome comedian. THE wholesome comedian. Would not work blue. Now he's gonna get worked black and blue all the time.

Oh, he was on his high horse. "You young comedians, if you have to say four-letter words to get laughs, you're just not – that's a crutch, profanity." And then he's lecturing the younger people, "you know what your problem is? You wear your pants so your whole underwear shows. It's disrespectful."

No one ever got to say, Oh, yeah, old Bill Cosby, well, you know what your problem is? You give women sedatives without their knowing it, and when they fall asleep, you rape them. So you can just shut up about my underwear showing. I think someone should rape you in the butt in prison, like all the time.

Consequences, man, consequences. Know what I'm sayin? I mean, many people have that happen to them in prison, for crimes a lot less awful than Bill Cosby's.

I can't believe we're living here, in this world of Bill Cosby, the rapist. On top of everything, all the things you would have to go back in time and report to the past that they would never believe 9-11. Dick Cheney and his five heart transplants. A black president. Computers, internet, smart phones, Fukishima, Elon Musk sending his stupid car into space like a phallicly obsessed PT Barnum.

The Cassini space probe and the rings of Saturn. Hurricane Katrina, the government just left people to die. And then Donald Dump became president. The vast, breathtaking marches! The gun massacres. Global warming, the oceans are dying, the forests, the water is disappearing. Oh and to top it all off, Bill Cosby, Fat Albert, Jello Pudding, tricked women into ingesting drugs and then raped them while they were unconscious.

Ah, don't try to guess. No, way more than that. You're way lowballin, man. No. At least 60. At least 60!

I know: Bill Cosby. Cliff Huxtable. America's Dad. Yeah. Oh, yeah, but it's okay, cuz he's getting raped in the ass every day. So, y'know, happy ending.

Then again, he may never serve any time, if his lawyers can keep him out while they draw out the appeals process. Or he may evade prison some other way.

And he probably wouldn't be raped in prison even if he spent a few years there, for a variety of reasons.

Simply put, the verdict might have to suffice as vindication for the victims. And for the men of this world, our grotesque, questionable redemption might be deferred indefinitely, as it has been since the history of violence began.

This has been the Moment of Truth. Good day!

Moment of Truth


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